Just Ask Kippy: Public Wasterooms

Dear Kippy—

We all have had this happen: walk into the bathroom of a public establishment. Go about one’s business, and then the receptacle gets jammed. Instant freak out ensues. Scared to cause a flood, but not wanting to leave, but most of all not wanting to be blamed for it. Flushing again is terrifying.

What do you recommend that one does or doesn’t do? Is it different if you are alone or with a group?

Sincerely,
Stymied in a Bathroom

Dear Stymied—

Ah yes… the age old problem of stuck in a bathroom with waste all around you. I recall visiting a friend in the District of Columbia who came out of a coffee shop restroom looking stricken. She’d decided (in a moment of heroism? hedonism? hell-ism?) to dislodge her own jam… bare-fisted! Yes, she got elbow deep in her own urine. Pretty gross. Naturally, I refused to get near her for the rest of the apres-midi…! Heh. I still don’t understand why she did it, but she must have had her reasons…(Pride?)

While I found it brave (and rather silly) what she did, I know I would never have the gall or gumption to do such a task myself. And what if what you’ve left is not… yellow-mellow? Can’t fathom the thought. Nor can I fathom telling a bathroom worker that they have clean up something. Too mortifying.

Do you know the expression to dine and dash? Or—a Rhode Island favorite—chew and screw? I am in favor of “dumping and darting.” When it happens it happens… Probably a worker would be glad to have you clean up after yourself… But what if you made a bigger mess? It is a conundrum. Then again so is having a stranger clean up after your shit—literally. Life isn’t fair and public restrooms are nasty. Don’t ever get stuck in one. I certainly don’t advise that!

As for being alone or in a group: If you have a friend who needs to go after you then you’ve really gotta fess up. And exit the premises quick! I do find that discussing scatology makes one instantly closer to companions.

On a side note—I am known to get frequent and rude visits from a certain Aunty D. She comes when I least expect her and always knocks at the back door. My advice (to you? to myself?) is to ask why Aunty D has come calling. Is she paying a visit because of those french fries you ate at 4am last night? Is she tapping at your door due to a stressful assignment you’ve been procrastinating? Is she pounding away because you couldn’t resist that second piece of pizza (and you are kind of lactose intolerant), or because you had one glass of wine too many? Eat well, get 8 hours of sleep, and when you’re being bad take a pro-biotic. That helps to regulate the system.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself,
Kippy

Join us for a party to celebrate the launch of TheGLOC.net on March 31st from 6-8pm at 92Y Tribeca (200 Hudson Street @ Canal)! Tickets: http://bit.ly/h4IfPF

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About kippywinston

a cool cat
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