SUCK MY DICK: John Edwards

 

Shannon O'Neill (Photo by Ari Scott)

Welcome to the first installment of SUCK MY DICK.  A weekly column letting the world know that I’m requesting some fellatio from someone or something that is pissing me off. I know, I don’t have a dick, but if needed I’ll step into a strap on and slowly wiggle a prosthetic dick into anyone and anything that pisses me off, and if it doesn’t have a mouth, well, I’ll figure it out. I’m resourceful.

Before we suck dick, lets talk about Elizabeth Edwards. The world lost a wonderful woman this week. A woman that not only campaigned for her husband while battling cancer, but also worked to improve the lives of others while hers was slowly being taken away by cancer. She was a health care advocate and spoke in front of congress on many occasions providing a voice for those that were not being heard.  She supported Gay Marriage even though her piece of shit husband was only for civil unions.  She gave speeches encouraging woman to get mammograms regularly as a form of early detection for breast cancer. She was a strong woman that we can all learn from and will miss.

Now lets get to the dick slurping.

Tickle Those Balls, John

Hey John Edwards. SUCK MY DICK. Suck it hard you tiny man. Lets be honest, you should be dead, not Elizabeth. Now I’m not threatening you, because that would be illegal, and I am not going to jail for you, because you’re a cock fuck. I’m just sharing the feelings of every American with a soul. The wrong person died this week.  I don’t want to spend a lot of time on you, so lets just hit some key points explaining why I am requesting that you suck my dong.

You cheated on your wife. Boo
You cheated on her while she had cancer. Double Boo
You finally admitted to the affair, but denied that you had child with your mistress.  Fo’ real?
You told your mistress that once your wife DIED, you would marry her on a rooftop in NYC, and have the Dave Matthews Band play. Gross.
You tried to persuade a campaign aid to take the fall and pretend he was the father of your love child.  You are a terrible person.
You finally admitted to the affair and Elizabeth filed for a separation, but due to some legal bullshit she has to wait a year to officially divorce you.  Gross again.
She died before she got the divorce.  Go Fuck yourself.

SUCK MY DICK JOHN EDWARDS. TASTE THAT DICK TINY MAN. OH YEAH, DOES IT TASTE GOOD? IT DOES? GUESS WHAT, I REPLACED MY DICK WITH A HORSE’S. YOU JUST SUCKED HORSE COCK. GOTCHA!!!! NOW GO FUCK YOURSELF.

“In the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that, I am grateful.” –Elizabeth Edwards FTW

Shannon O’Neill is a writer/performer/teacher at the UCB Theatre. You can see her perform every Friday with The Stepfathers, Sundays in Asssscat 3000 and once a month with her sketch group Thunder Gulch.  www.spotastic.com

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About spotastic

I am a writer/performer/teacher at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. If you are really curious, just google me or visit spotastic.com
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One Response to SUCK MY DICK: John Edwards

  1. Carolyn says:

    As a woman who has a child with a man she divorced because he’s a lot like John Edwards, this subject is near and dear to my heart. I’ve written about it a lot in the past week or so:

    http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2010/12/07/elizabeth-edwards-death/

    http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2010/12/08/elizabeth-edwards-kids/

    http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2010/12/08/elizabeth-edwards-kids/

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